Intentional Work, LLC

I'm beginning to believe that it really isn't that hard to resolve conflict. For me, it comes down to not taking it personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. - don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

I recently got the opportunity to practice the art of 'not taking it personally' or what don Miguel Ruiz mentions above. The reminder is from one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements. Ruiz practices Toltec, an ancient wisdom, which he wrote about in his book and continues to teach around the globe. What I get out of the quote above is that when someone is upset with me, its not necessarily my problem to solve. That said, I am not saying it wasn't my fault they were upset.

I'll explain...

I was recently confronted by someone and caught off guard by their expression of hurt feelings (that were apparently my fault). I consider myself a person in-touch with my emotional intelligence (EI) and to have a fairly high EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). Thankfully, I had the opportunity (aka: time) to examine where my feelings were coming from and shift from feeling 'under attack' to 'curiosity'. I decided, I wasn't going to take it personally. Once that happened, I realized it wasn't about me at all. With that 'A-ha', I immediately felt a relief from my anger and hurt.

Let me expand a bit. The person that approached to air a grievance about something that had happened three weeks earlier, came to say that she felt disrespected, insulted and crushed. My first instinct was shock and disbelief, then she said it was because of me, and I was immediately put on the defensive (I had no idea what I had done). In the end, it didn't really matter what led up to her feeling that way. She had the right to feel those feelings, even if I had no idea she felt that way.

Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

Since I had decided not to take it personally, I had no anger or pain to get in the way of listening and being curious (thus no spiraling into defensiveness or blame), when she and I had the time to really talk. It had nothing to do with me (really), but more about her past hurts (from others), past experience (with others) and unresolved feelings. Once she had the opportunity to get those out, and I could calmly let her know where I was coming from, we quickly and easily resolved what could have turned into an ugly conflict.

So the next time someone confronts you with their hurt feelings or disappointment, try to keep in mind these things and you'll be on a path to resolve things quickly and easily:

• Remember, it's not about you, it's about them wanting to express themselves.
• They have the right to feel their feelings.
• They are responsible for their actions, not yours.
• You are responsible for your actions, not theirs.
• You do not need to be attached to their pain.
• Be open to listening and be curious.
• Don't take anything personally.

Although it's challenging, from a lifetime of training, to not take things others say and do personally, our survival and personal happiness is at stake. If you want to get a deeper idea of how to truly not take others pain on as your own, read this quick post, or read the book. It will take an afternoon, and give you tools you can use for a lifetime.

How do you move into a more productive conversation when you feel attacked or confronted?

-Sylvia